Will You Be My Music?

After weeks of stress, exhaustion and reaching the point of recognizing that I’m just one man, only a man… not a machine, today I realized I am not 21 years old anymore. A few hours earlier I spoke with an old graduate school buddy, who just happened to comment to me that stress affected him differently now that he is only 54 years old. I felt better about being human. I can now continue and say it feels good to need something besides what has been and need someone besides who hasn’t been.

I took the afternoon off today and went out to my favorite shore-front get away place, after being so miserable working to be everyone’s boss over the last year. My folks are dear and they know I love them all like family. I just couldn’t seem to relax. The radio didn’t help. The CDs didn’t help. The cell phone just didn’t wind my clock. Nothing helped. I sat by the lake for a while and starred at the water, while feeling a bit of the breeze that was blowing. Fifteen minutes later…. I’m in the car, heading to some other place and I had no idea where that would be at the time I was driving.

Twelve hours earlier I was abruptly awakened by a horrific head ache that had now become intolerable. I had no more answers. I was in trouble. I was ready to put out my SOS or call Ekaterina, my physical therapist. Choosing Ekaterina was my choice. She hopped on the next plane and three hours later I picked her up after flying in from Boston. I felt better once she was here. Getting to her office in pain was almost intolerable after the grueling drive in defeat from the airport. Then the story began.

Ekaterina asked “Where have you been? I’ve been worried about you. Why haven’t I heard from you until now?” “I’ve been sick, working very hard….and just carrying the stress until I couldn’t bear it anymore.” “I can help,” Ekaterina said. “I’m glad,” I replied with relief.

She began to play soft and relaxing music. Then…I thought of you. Where are you I asked? Where are you? I began to hear the music Ekaterina began to play. It was then that I knew I wanted you. It was then that I knew I needed you. I t was then that I knew I was not enough for me.

I began to relax…. I relaxed more. I listened to the music. I said, “That’s it!” I began to soar to a place of recluse and oblivion. I asked….”Where is she? Can she come to me? Does she know it is her that I want? The music told me that it was not the music that I wanted, but it was you.

Alarmingly, but most assuredly… I knew that you were the music. I knew that you were the melody, the rhythm, the lyrics, the tone, the mood, the encounter with the wonderful, the exquisite, the exceptionally wonderful….the necessary. You would be enough.

I just know you were the music. I knew you were what I wanted. It wasn’t the music. It was you. You would be enough. So I ask you now…could you be the music? I heard you even when you thought I wasn’t listening. I just knew. It was you. Again I say… can you be my music? I ‘m listening. I want to listen even more.

David Hammock. Copyright © 2008. All Rights Reserved.